Three Things I Do Every Day

by Eman

I put on my contact lenses
I kinda have to do this every day otherwise I have to rely on my glasses or go blind. I absolutely despise my glasses. They’re horrible, horrible things whose sole purpose is to frustrate and annoy me. You may think ‘oh Eman you’re such a drama queen, glasses are inanimate objects, they are not out to get you.’ Oh, but they are my narrow minded friends. I’ve gotten them fixed and tightened no less than ten times but they insist on falling off my face every time I look down. It’s even more embarrassing when I’m looking down a ledge or balcony and I have to push them against my face so they don’t fall off my nose and kill somebody. Plus, I am nearsighted and so when I’m wearing glasses I have no periphery vision and poor depth perception so I keep dropping things.

They also make me look like a nerd.

I wear makeup
Vanity is an evil, evil sin. I don’t necessarily put on makeup every day and when I do it’s not like a cake it on like a burlesque dancer from the 1940s or one of those alien looking woman in Zahrat al-Khaleej (which my mother never fails to buy even though she doesn’t read them and they lie in their plastic wrapper all forlorn and pathetic). It’s strange though, when I’m not wearing makeup I feel groggy and sick and I waddle about making snide comments and picking fights with people in an attempt to make their lives as miserable as my own. But with a little bit of mascara and blush I feel like a fludging movie star. It’s terribly wrong and it says a lot about how much self-esteem I have but there you go. I’m just a pawn in the clutches of the evil makeup industry.

I brush my teeth
It’s not a very interesting thing to talk about but it’s very vital. Clean teeth are important otherwise people will mistake you for a hobo, or an English person. Or -gasps- an English hobo! I currently have this huge cavity in the back of my teeth that I don’t want to get fixed because I like pretending that that is where a meteor crashed and opened a portal into a new world which isn’t new at all but incredibly old and has existed longer than anyone can fathom. It’s an incredibly precarious world too, it seems like a paradise. Everyone who visits the world will encounter their hearts desires. There will be lush gardens with dandelions spilling over ancient pillars and columns, old willows with their branches waving lazily over a shallow pond and mountains so high that their peaks seem to brush heaven. There will be everyone you love, dead and alive, eating chicken liver and mint chocolate chip ice-cream. But it’s all a hoax, it’s an evil place that tempts you by displaying your fancies in order to keep you there forever until all good things lose their charm and you become a slave to your own desires. By those devices all the life is slowly sucked out of you until you become nothing more than a hollow shell wandering the planes of the universe for all eternity, surrounded by everything you could ever want but never being completely satisfied.

Heh, I’m lying. I didn’t get my cavity fixed because I’m too lazy. but that was a nice story.