My Birthday

by Eman

Howdy there folks,

That’s how they greet people in Texas-speak. I’m learning a lot. Y’all.

So I’m still in the USofA, floating around from city to city and state to state. I just got back from Florida and had a wild old time there. It was one big roller coaster ride filled with impromptu dancing, allergic reactions, people dressed as the nightmares of my childhood and actual roller coasters.

Right now I’m in Houston, TX. Quite an odd city, actually America is quite the odd country. It’s so… big. And people wear short shorts and don’t care what kind of business hangs out.

I plan on going shopping tomorrow and getting rid of those green paper things in my wallet that just keep reappearing. If there’s one thing I can give the US credit for it’s they’re malls. Outrageous. And the massive amounts of advertising. I bet you can rent advertising space on your forehead around here.

But forget my fascination with America’s preoccupation with buying themselves into a recession, the real reason I am here today is to advertise the fact that my birthday is coming up soon. Very soon. This Monday to be exact. I know you’ve all been up for nights on end wondering what kind of present would please me, so since I am an empathetic, kind and loving human being I have provided you with a list of things I want. If you don’t get me something from this list then don’t get me anything at all. Seriously, I’ll just burn it or feed it to homeless people.

So, without further ado I am proud to present *dun dun dun duuuuuun*


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How awesome is my collage?

  1. An elephant. An African one not an Asian one please. I prefer one with big tusks and a slight limp.
  2. A midget. I’m not being disrespectful or anything, midgets are highly prized – like camels or Ferraris. I’d take care of mine very, very well. For the first couple of weeks at least.
  3. A Paul McCartney original song. Let’s face it, dude only has a few years of life left in him and I want one of those golden melodies to call my own before he croaks. Something similar to Hey Jude.
  4. A castle. I prefer it to be somewhere in the highlands, not too far from Edinburgh, but I wouldn’t mind somewhere in Switzerland so I can practice my French and get fat eating Swiss chocolate made from the milk of fat Swiss cows. And none of those crappy princess castles, I want one with a real, working moat filled with sharks.
  5. A shoe tree. It exists,  I saw one once. Then again it might have been plastic…
  6. An invisibility cloak. Just like the one Harry has and not a cheap one made of Demiguise hair. I read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I cannot be hoodwinked. Yes, I really did just use the word hoodwinked.
  7. World peace… LOL who am I kidding, the world doesn’t deserve peace.
  8. FC Barcelona to win the Champions League, La Liga, Copa del Rey and whatever other competition they find themselves in.
  9. Lady Gaga’s head on a silver platter. I’d like to have the eyeballs on the side for dessert. Eyeballs are the best part of the head you know, that’s where the flavor is…
  10. A Japanese toilet. For those of you who have never tried a Japanese toilet I weep for you for your life is worthless and meaningless. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen: a toilet that does all the work for you short of actually urinating/defecating for you! It has two in-built bidets with customizable water pressure and temperature, adjustable seat temperature, soothing music and, get this, a DRYER! A FREAKING DRYER! It makes toilet paper completely obsolete! You know what would be awesome? If the music the toilet played was the song Paul McCartney wrote for me. BOOM! That was your mind being blown.

So that’s my list. There’s one more thing I’d have liked to add but decided not to because no one will ever be able to get it for me, only I can get it for myself. Mysterious eh?

Again, if it’s not on the list then don’t even bother.