Life, thou art a maiden of loose values

by Eman

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So here is a chronological timeline of my disasterous day (might be updated since the day is ongoing and disaster doth be a relentless bitch):

2:23 AM

I finish studying, log off and go to bed happy that I can sleep in a little bit since my final is at 11:00 AM

9:00 AM

Alarm rings and I hit snooze

9:09 AM

Alarm rings again and I hit snooze again

9:17 AM

I get a phone call from a friend asking me why I’m not at the exam hall, the test started at 8 and is almost over. I yell expletives, pull on a pair of sweat pants and, without even brushing my teeth or washing my face, run to the car.

9:23 AM

I’ve gotten off the phone from my mother, and I’m in the car holding back tears.

9:23 and 2 seconds AM

I’m on the phone with Haya. The conversation goes like this:

Me: My exam was at 8

Haya: *gasp*

Me: He says I can’t take the test

Haya: *gasp* oh my god

Me: I’m gunning it to uni

Haya: *gasp*

9:34 AM

Almost hit a taxi.

9:41 AM

I get to the exam hall, my mother is waiting outside like a boss. I go in and the professor says I have 15 minutes to write an exam that’s meant to be written in two hours. I sit down and almost light the paper on fire with the speed I’m writing. Lucky I knew all the answers because I’m from my own abnormally intelligent race of human being who work better under pressure.

9:45 AM

My mother talks to him and he relents. He tells me I have until 11 AM to finish the test.

10:34 AM

FIN. Exam done, thank you very much. I smile and leave the exam hall. As soon as I’m out I do a little happy jig. No one sees.

10:36 AM

I call my mother and tell her I’m done and I did well [inshallah]. She laughs at me.

10:37 AM

I call Haya and she says her exam was at 8 as well, she thought it was at 1. I tell her to shut up because it’s not funny. She says she knows it’s not funny but that doesn’t change the fact that she missed her exam. I freak out.

10:55 AM

Haya goes to the hospital and pretends to have a stomach ache. She deserves an Oscar.

11:22 AM

I talk to Haya’s professor. Her office was cold which was curious since it was sunny outside, then I realized the coldness was emanating from her heart. This is how the conversations goes:

Me: Hello Dr. may I talk to you?

Dr: Yes, but I don’t know you.

Me: I am here as a representative of Haya, she was negotiating a treaty on the distribution of territories between North and South Sudan and was unable to make it to the exam this morning as the asteroid she was taking dissipated over the Nile and she had to tie two crocodiles together and surf back, which, I’m sure you’ll agree, does take some time.

Dr: But it’s too late. [She shakes her head and a thousand icicles fall the ground as her mechanical left eye tries to find holes in my perfectly constructed lie.]

Me: The what does one do in this situation?

Dr: One talks to me, but I am an evil cyborg monster who feeds on your hopes and dreams and I am  unwilling to give your friend a chance.

Me: That isn’t entirely fair. [I pull out an AK-47 and begin shooting at bunnies.]

Dr: NOT THE BUNNIES! Okay, okay, listen, I will hear her out if she sends me an email and comes to talk to me.

12:30 PM

Haya’s thestral lands on campus.

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update: Haya is taking the exam tomorrow *happy parade* the dr must have been malfunctioning…